Show Me What I'm Looking For
by HElizabethG
Summary: After Derek asks his best friend Meredith to be the 'best man' at his wedding, some events occur that might insure the failure of his impending nuptials and might change his life for the worse. But, isn't there always a light at the end of the tunnel?
1. But That's Disregard

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Grey's Anatomy because if I did, it'd be the MerDer Show. Not Kepner's/Lexie's/Yang's Anatomy. AND the Cristina/Meredith friendship wouldn't be so weird and close-like. I'm just borrowing the characters to mold into my own "masterpieces". Additionally, I don't own it because well, it sucks right now and if I owned it I hope I'd suck less.**

****

So, if you've read my other fics and not liked them, this is different. AND I'm working on my writing so, hopefully it's better. This fic starts out looking like a story about best friends falling in love and all that... or an unrequited love but, it is SO much more. SO MUCH. And, it's angsty-er. Life threatening angst. I just hope you give it a chance!

Love,  
Me

PS: PLEASE leave me some love... this is really hard for me to write and I'll loose my confidence easily... AND, I have 7 updates written already so, the more comments, the faster I'll want to post. Yes, that's a bribe. Get over it.

**Show Me What I'm Looking For- Carolina Liar  
**_Wait, I'm wrong_  
_Should have done better than this_  
_Please, I'll be strong_  
_I'm finding it hard to resist _  
_So show me what I'm looking for_

____

Save me, I'm lost  
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you  
I'll pay any cost  
Save me from being confused  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Don't let go  
I've wanted this far too long  
Mistakes become regrets  
I've learned to love abuse  
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost  
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you  
I'll pay any cost  
Save me from being confused  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord

Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for

_Save me, I'm lost  
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you  
I'll pay any cost  
Just save me from being confused  
Wait, I'm wrong  
I can't do better than this  
I'll pay any cost  
Save me from being confused  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord_

**First update, here we go!**

XXX

"Mer!" a male voice called her name. Meredith turned on her heel, her lab coat flaring around her, to see the man who called her name. He walked towards her clad in navy blue scrubs and a crisp white lab coat, his raven curls styled perfectly on top of his head. His blue eyes gleamed in the light, accented by the deep blue of his scrubs as he strode through the halls with confidence, his dreamy features charming all around him.

"Hey," she grinned as he approached her.

"Can we talk for a second?" he questioned softly.

"Sure. Is everything okay?" Meredith asked sweetly, placing a supportive hand on his toned bicep.

"Yeah," he smiled reassuringly. "Everything is great." She felt his strong, calloused hand wrap around her slender wrist and tug forwards, dragging her softly into the nearest on-call room. He turned the handle, pushed the metal door open, and pulled Meredith in. The door swung shut and closed with a click.

"What is up with-"

"I proposed," he blurted excited her, interrupting her question.

"You proposed, what?" questioned Meredith nervously, hoping she was wrong about the sort of proposal he was regarding. Her heart beat quickened in dread as she stared into his smiling Irish eyes.

"To Erin. I asked her to marry me."

Meredith's flight response was blaring, howling for her to run away as fast as she could. She looked to the door, wondering just how quickly she could pull it open and get out of the room. The walls seemed to close in on her, crushing her lungs and heart, making her chest clench painfully. Knowing that running wasn't a plausible reaction, she diverted eyes to the floor, absentmindedly watching the shadows dance on the white tile as she tried to come up with an a appropriate response.

"Mer?" he said gently, trying to regain her attention. "You okay?"

She tore her eyes away from the floor and grinned at him with her best, yes-I'm-okay grin, hoping she didn't fail dismally. "Yeah, fine... um... congratulations!" Meredith exclaimed with fake enthusiasm.

"I'm getting married," he stated excitedly, spreading his arms apart to hug her. She stepped in to his open arms, squeezing his torso quickly before stepping away quickly. "This is all just... wow."

"Yeah... wow," she sighed sadly.

"I'm getting married. It's huge."

"It..." _Sucks. _"It's huge... really huge."

"You don't seem so enthusiastic," he alluded, cocking his head slightly to the side.

She sucked in a sharp breath, plastering a fake smile on her face. "I..." _Hate this. _"I'm happy for you," said Meredith with a non-genuine smile. "I've uh-got to go. I have…" _To run away, avoid. _"A patient." Finally, her flight response kicked into overdrive, finally pushing her feet towards the door.

"Okay," he nodded noncommittally.

"I'm happy you're happy, Derek," she said smoothly with a soft smile before walking quickly out of the dark room and away from her best friend.

XXX

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

Meredith sighed as she collapsed haphazardly on the bottom bunk of an on-call room bed, shifting to get comfortable on the rock hard mattress. The pale, blue, blanket scratched her skin uncomfortably. She hated having to sleep in on-call rooms but, after working a hellish twenty four hours, she needed sleep before she could continue the rest of her shift. She tossed, she turned, she fidgeted, unable to rest comfortably.

Loosing a patient never got any easier. The looks on the family's face, the sobbing, it was too much to handle sometimes. This time it was a sixty five year old grandmother. Her daughter, a single mother dependant on her own mother for support, and four-year-old grandson were devastated. The little boy just asked if his 'bubby', his grandmother, was out of 'surgeoning' and if they'd fixed her boo boo. His mother tearfully explained to him that grandma was taking a nap forever, knowing he couldn't fully grasp the concept of death. Usually, Derek would find her and offer some comfort whether by just being there or with tequila, but, she was avoiding him. She had been for around three months, since the day he told her he proposed. They'd seen each other but she somehow avoided most contact outside of work. It hurt her, and she ascertained that he knew what she was doing but not why. He** couldn't **know why.

Derek was all she had. Since they'd met in college, they came to depend on each other. He was her person. He was the one who she'd call if she needed to drag a dead body across her living room floor. After his proposal to Erin, Meredith couldn't bear to meet his eyes; for fear that he'd read her true emotions. It made it hard, almost unbearable to be around him, especially if he was with Erin. Erin Bales was nice enough but she always had a problem with Derek's close relationship to Meredith. She was condescending and controlling but Derek loved her. And, because it made him happy that they got along, Meredith put up with her.

She sighed deeply, cradling the back of her head in her hands, her elbows jutting out to the side. Her feet propped up on the cool, metal bars at the end of the cot-sized bunk beds. She wished things could be simple; Derek could just be a friend. But, her life never worked out that way.

She'd coped with the fact that her father was gone, out of her life until he appeared with his new, perfect family.

She thought that her Alzheimer's ridden mother could be kept a secret but she got rushed to the hospital and publicly embarrassed her, screaming that she was a child.

Nothing was ever simple. Including the verifiable truth that she was madly, deeply in love with her best friend.

Meredith heard her pager go off, pulling her out of her thoughts. Looking at the illuminated screen she dashed off to the pitt. Stepping into an empty elevator, she pressed the button for the first floor. The button lit up, just a dot in the middle, a small bullet wound in the metal of the circular button. Slowly the metal doors unfolded to close and the elevator gave a shake as it moved down the dark shaft. On the first floor, the doors reopened. As she tried to exit, Derek put his arm in front of her, pushing her back in. "I'm not letting you run," he snapped, positioning himself in front of the door, his lips pressed together into a fine line, the rest of his facial features hardening in anger. "I know you've been avoiding me."

"No, I haven't," she lied, twisting her watch on her wrist, a nervous habit.

"You have and you know it."

"I'm just..." _Totally avoiding._ "Busy. That's all. Lots of patients and surgeries. I'm a very busy surgeon."

"Bullshit," he accused.

"Seriously Derek. I'm..." she paused, trying to lie to him as best as she could. He could always see right through her facades. "Fine."

"Bullshit."

"Stop saying that!"

"I'm going to keep saying it 'cause it's a load of bullshit," he hissed. His hands clenched into tight fists, his short nails digging into his palms painfully. "You're not fine. There's something bothering you and it has something to do with me. I know what you're like when you're avoiding someone and, you're doing that to me."

"I..." She couldn't come up with an excuse. Knowing Derek, she realized this day was inevitable but like she had been doing to him, she'd avoided it.

"Please." His voice softened, pleading her to confess. Derek put his hands above her elbows and rubbed his hands up and down her bare arms, coaxing her into a sense of security. "I'm your best friend, you can talk to me about anything, you know that."

His attempts to penetrate her facade of being fine proved to be futile for once. She inhaled deeply, and gave him a soft smile, her lips pressed together in a quarter moon shape. "I'm really okay." With a ding, the elevator doors opened and Meredith slid out into the crowded, bright, hallway.

_Let's rearrange  
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage  
Just say that we agree and then never change  
Soften a bit until we all just get along  
But that's disregard_


	2. I'll Be There

Meredith felt immensely guilty for the way she'd blown off Derek earlier that day. She realized that he just wanted to know what was wrong but he was the one person she couldn't tell. Walking up to the nurse's station, she passed a patient's chart back to the charge nurse, flashing her a polite smile before turning away. As she turned, she almost ran right into a thin brunette. "Erin!" she exclaimed, surprised. Erin stood in front of her, her designer dress hugging her slender body; her perfectly straightened, silky brown hair fell over her shoulders.

"Hi Meredith," Erin smiled tightly. "Have you seen Derek? I can't find him anywhere." She crossed her arms over her chest, the silver, diamond set, band sparkling in the light as her arm moved.

"Derek? No. Haven't seen him."

"Oh," she frowned. "Well, if you see him. Tell him I'm looking for him."

"Sure."

"Hey," said Derek, surprised, as he approached Erin. He leaned in and kissed her cheek gently. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd meet you for lunch."

"I actually have some time," he said. "Want to join us, Mer?"

"Join you? No. I… can't. I have… surgeries. Lots and lots of surgeries."

"You're not on the board," he informed her.

"Umm… emergency," she nodded quickly. "I'm… I've got to go. I'll see you later."

"Come for drinks at Joe's tonight," he suggested. "I know you get off at eight."

"I'm tired," said Meredith. "I really just want to go home and sleep."

"Just one drink?" he pleaded, desperation gleaming in his eyes. "I need to ask you something anyways."

Meredith sighed, he was extremely hard to say no to. "One drink." With that she started to jog away.

XXX

Meredith walked into the dimly lit bar, chimes sounding as the door opened. The scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol tickled her nose as she walked further into the bar. Light cascaded down her golden curls and the dull lights illuminated her soft skin. A tight, green sweater hugged her curves perfectly, earning her the stares of a few lone men in the bar. Noticing her, Derek waved her over to his and Erin's table. She nodded softly, going to the bar first to get a tequila shot "Hey Joe," she greeted the bartender.

"Hey Mer," he smiled, resting his hands on the counter in front of him. "What can I get you?"

She sighed. "One tequila shot and a beer."

"Only one tequila shot? You going soft on me."

"No. I'm supposed to be here with a… friend. An uncomfortable gathering. I need a shot of the hard stuff to just get me started."

Joe nodded in understanding, reaching for the tequila and pouring the shot. "Here you go," he smiled, sliding the shot glass across the bar counter.

Meredith took the glass gratefully, the amber liquid sloshing as she raised it to Joe as a cheer before tipping her head back and downing the whole thing. "Thanks, Joe," she sighed, accepting the beer he'd placed next to her, gratefully, before walking back to Erin and Derek.

"Hey," Derek smiled.

"Hi."

"Hello Meredith," said Erin politely, stroking Derek's forearm.

"Hi."

"What's new, Mer? I haven't_ really_ talked to you in a long time," he questioned.

"Nothing is new; nothing new at all. Just…work. A lot of work."

"That's how Derek is," Erin cut in. "Always working, this one. Well, of course we're also planning our wedding."

"Yeah, of course," nodded Meredith uncomfortably.

"I need to ask you something," said Derek seriously, turning towards his best friend.

"Sure."

"Will you be my best man?"

She let out a laugh. "Best man? Derek, if you haven't noticed, I'm a girl."

"I know," he said, rolling his eyes playfully. "You're my best friend. I wouldn't want anyone else standing next to me."

"I…um…"

"Come on. You have to say yes." He gave her a dazzling, 'McDreamy' smile. "I'm getting married."

"Um… sure. I'll do it."

"Great," Erin exclaimed, unenthusiastically, trying to smile. "Now, we've got the bridal party and the groom's party so, we can start looking at dresses and tuxes. Oh Meredith, I thought it'd just be darling if you wore a woman's tux. You know, kind of a little joke with you being Derek's best man and all."

Meredith stared at her with a blank expression. A tux? "That sounds…" _like an awful idea._ "…Cute."

"I'll be right back," said Erin. "I need to use the ladies room." She stood up gracefully, tugging at her pencil skirt, and made her way to the back of the bar.

"What would you say to a movie or something tomorrow?" Derek asked immediately after Erin was out of earshot. "I need a break from all this wedding planning. Just you and me, like old times."

She paused before answering; "Sure," Meredith smiled softly, taking a swig of her beer. "That sounds fun."

"Great."

XXX

An hour later, Meredith watched as Derek and Erin walked out of the bar, her hand tucked snuggly in the crook of his elbow. Sighing she walked up to the bar and sat at a stool. "Hit me, Joe," she said sadly. He neared her and poured the amber liquid into a shot glass. It hit the table with a thump, the liquid slopped in the small glass. Her hand closed around the glass and put it to her head, downing the liquid in one gulp.

"Do you want to talk about it?" questioned Joe. "It is half a bartender's job to lend a sympathetic ear."

"No thanks, Joe. Tonight I just want to drink."

"Hey," she heard a husky male voice say from behind her. Turning her head, she saw a burly man walking to sit beside her. His leather coat stretched against his broad, t-shirt covered chest; his tight jeans disappeared into a pair of short, black boots. His Cheshire cat grin sparkled dully in the dim bar lights and his previously blonde hair was darker with specks of gray.

"Hey," she smiled lazily at him. In college, she'd slept with Mark Sloan once, a drunken one-night stand the next morning, doing the walk of shame, she met Derek in his kitchen. Since, Mark had been the one she leaned on when she couldn't lean on Derek.

"What happened now?" he questioned, waving to Joe for a beer.

"Derek asked me to be his best man."

"You? You can't be his best man!" asked Mark, surprised. Meredith glared at him, doing another shot. "Sorry, not the point. Why is that bad?"

"Why is it bad to be the best man at the guy I'm-in-love-with's wedding?"

"Touché. It won't be that bad. And if it is, I'll be there with booze after the ceremony to make it all better."

"Why do you put up with me?" she smiled.

"Well you're a good lay," he teased, earning a punch in the arm. "And, that's what friends do. Anyways, if I wasn't, I'd loose my wing-woman."

"Yeah you would."

"Speaking of that…hot blonde at two o'clock." Meredith looked to the side discretely to see a blonde haired woman with a large chest standing with some friends. Meredith nodded at him, standing up uneasily and walking towards the woman. She tapped her lightly on the shoulder, flashing her a bright smile.

"Have you met Mark?" she questioned sweetly, patting Mark's shoulder. He swooped in, thanking her silently as he moved in on his prey. Being Mark's wing-woman wasn't her favorite thing in the world but, he took good care of her, listening to her problems, making sure she always made it home without doing something stupid; being his wing-woman was her way of repaying him.

_I'll be there and I'll cover you_


	3. Still Comin' Back To You

Meredith pressed the gas petal down with her foot as she accelerated out of her driveway. Derek had told her to pick him up at Erin's apartment at twelve. Driving out of Queen Anne, she headed towards downtown Seattle. The music playing from the radio cut through the silence in the car like a machete. Humming softly to herself, she forced her mind to stay focused on driving instead of letting it stray to the many things troubling it.

She drove down Second Avenue, her finish line in reach. Nearing Erin's apartment, she stopped at a light, carefully reaching over the middle consul to grab her cell phone out of her purse. She pressed speed dial two, calling Derek to tell him to go downstairs (she was not in the mood to make polite, awkward conversation with Erin). When the light turned green, she pressed her foot on the petal, accelerating down the last few streets of her journey.

As she pulled up to the sidewalk, she noticed Derek leaning against the building, clad in a blue sweater and a pair of jeans. He smiled upon noticing her, pushing himself off the building and he began to walk towards the car.

"Hey," he grinned, sliding into the passenger's seat.

"Hi."

"What movie are we going to see?" he questioned.

"I don't know. I thought we could just get some lunch then head over to the theater and see what's playing."

"Good plan."

They sat quietly as Meredith drove through Seattle. She parked near Pike Place Market where they quickly got out of the car. She quickly tugged at her tight, pale green sweater, trying to force it a little further down her slender hips. Not looking where she was going, Meredith accidentally tripped over the sidewalk. "Ah!" she cried, falling forward. Derek quickly stepped in, catching her in his stable arms.

"Careful," he chided lightly with a smile. She smiled slightly, regaining her balance and stepping out of his arms, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. They continued side-by-side until they decided on a lunch spot. Sitting down at a table for two, they were handed menus.

"Is Erin okay with you missing a full day where you could be wedding planning to hang out with me?" she asked, trying to contain her sarcasm.

"The whole wedding planning thing is her thing," sighed Derek running his fingers through his raven locks. "She's pretty much told me my only jobs are to handle the financing, pick my grooms men-if they get pre-approved by her-and show up in good health."

"So you're not involved in planning your own wedding at all?" questioned Meredith.

He shook his head. "Nope. Not really. You know me. I don't care about all the flowers and crap. I'd be happy to just get married at city hall."

"Yeah," she exhaled, placing the menu on the white cloth-covered table. She actively tried to push the thoughts that Derek's position on marriage were the same as hers out of her head. _He's with Erin,_ she thought. _He's with Erin. He's with Erin._ There was an awkward pause, the silence falling on the table like a ton of bricks. Their eyes met momentarily before darting in opposite directions.

"So…" Derek breathed, attempting to break the silence.

"So…" she echoed, twisting the light metal watch that rested on her wrist.

"You avoided me for months," he accused softly, trying to meet her eyes.

"I did not."

"Meredith."

"Derek," she countered.

"I know what you're like when you avoid people. You've been my best friend for over ten years. I could tell you were avoiding me. Just…talk to me," pleaded Derek.

"I…you won't understand but, you're the one person I can't talk about this with. Please just, respect that. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you but for now, can you just drop it?"

He sighed, resting his hand over hers. "Okay," he nodded. "Okay."

"Thank you," she whispered, getting momentarily lost in his blue orbs.

"What can I get you?" the waiter asked softly, approaching the table. They quickly ordered their lunches, handing the plastic covered menus back to the waiter.

"So, we haven't just talked, the two of us, in a long time," he said pleasantly, not meaning to accuse her of avoiding him again. "What's been happening in the life of Meredith Grey?"

"Really nothing…I've just been working."

"Any good cases?"

"Derek, you're my department head," she laughed. "You'd know if I got a good case."

"Right," said Derek, laughing uncomfortably. Meredith turned her head down, fiddling with the cool metal enclosing her wrist. He was her best friend. They weren't supposed to be so awkward. "Oh!" he exclaimed having thought of a new topic to pull out of the awkward silence. "Didn't you have a date last week with some guy?"

"Oh…yeah."

"Didn't go well?" he assumed by the tone of her voice.

"I…I'm…no."

"What? It sounded like you were going to say something…"

"No," she shook her head quickly. "It just didn't work out."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's okay…it wasn't right or whatever…"

"You deserve to be happy," he grinned, laying his hand over hers. Derek stroked the back of her hand with his thumb and smiled at her reassuringly. Their steaming food was placed in front of them and they ate quickly, making slightly awkward conversation before leaving for the movie.

XXX

"Are you kidding?" she giggled, walking out of the darkened theater, her upper arm bumping lightly against Derek's. "It was hilarious!"

"It was funny… I just didn't think it was _that _amazing," shrugged Derek. "It made no sense! I mean, they go on a date and suddenly people are chasing them, trying to kill them? That never happens."

"Oh come on Derek," groaned Meredith playfully. "You're ruining it! The point isn't that it could happen…"

"Sorry."

"You're pretty so, I forgive you," she teased.

"So being pretty gets me out of things?"

"It seems to, doesn't it?"

"I have no clue what you're talking about," he said loftily.

"Professor Spears," stated Meredith.

"That so doesn't count. She came on to me!"

"And then she also changed the grade on your paper from an A- to an A?"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Shut up. It's not like you've never done the same thing."

"I have never done that!" she insisted.

"Oh yeah? Professor Binns," he accused.

Meredith opened her mouth to protest but instead sighed in defeat, knowing not to even try. "Yeah… you got me there."

"Ha."

They exited the building, stepping out into the breezy fresh air and beginning to walk through the concrete jungle towards Meredith's Jeep. A comfortable silence engulfed them as they walked, wrapping around them like a snuggly blanket.

"Let me drive," he suggested as they approached the Jeep.

"No. My car, I drive," insisted Meredith.

"Come on," pouted Derek, approaching the driver's seat door. He leaned against the door, crossing his arms across his chest.

"No."

"Please?"

"No…why do you want to drive anyways?" she questioned.

"No reason."

"Seriously. Tell me!"

"I just like driving."

"Lie," accused Meredith.

"Not."

"Come on. Just tell me."

"I just like to drive."

"Control freak," she accused lightly.

"I am not!"

"Oh come off it, Derek." He glared at her playfully. "I'm driving," she insisted, shoving him lightly out of her way. "Let's go." He groaned buoyantly, walking around to the passenger side of the car. Meredith shoved the key in the ignition, turned it and put the car in reverse. She drove out of the parking lot and out towards Derek's apartment.

"This was fun," smiled Derek.

"Yeah, it really was," she agreed whole-heartedly. For the first time since he'd confessed that he asked Erin to marry him, she felt like they were simply best friends for an afternoon.

"We should go back to our weekly thing," he suggested.

"What weekly thing?"

"You know, back in college and med school; on Sundays. We used to go to that little bakery, get coffee and cheesecake. I'd tell you that it was weird…"

"To eat cheesecake at ten in the morning," she finished for him, grinning.

"And you'd say that it was calcium so, it was okay." Meredith turned her head towards him slightly, laughing at the memory.

"It'd be fun to start that again," she agreed.

"So, it's a deal? Sundays at ten?"

She turned her head to smile at him briefly as the street light turned red. "Sundays at ten." Meredith drove forwards as a light flashed green, only getting a few feet before hearing the crunching of metal. They were quickly engulfed by the suffocating blackness, forcing them out of consciousness.

_You're my best friend  
Ooo, you make me live  
I've been wandering round  
But I still come back to you  
In rain or shine _

XXX

**A/N: So? What did you think? It's going to be a bit of a wild ride from here on out. You ready? Hold on tight! Oh, and yeah, comment? It'll convince me to update faster 'cause I have no confidence :)**


	4. Adrenaline

Her head pounded and every cell in her body ached. She tried to move, turning her head to the side. It fell lifelessly to the left, bobbing slightly. Meredith's eyes fluttered, trying to open but an invisible force shoved them down, not allowing for the revealing of the green irises.

"Ma'am. Can you hear me, ma'am?" a voice echoed in the back of her mind. She tried to answer but it just came out as a muted groan. "Ma'am. We need to get you out," the voice said. _Get me out of where?_ Her brain asked.

Meredith tried desperately to say something; to make any noise of recognition but the same force that kept her eyes shut was sitting like a ton of bricks on her vocal chords. She opened her mouth pushing internally to get words to come out but only a slight grunting noise emerged.

"I'm going to pull you out so we can cut your friend out," the voice said.

"Wha…" she sounded, managing to force her eyes open. She saw she was in her Jeep; but it looked as if it'd been shoved in a blender. The window on her side had been skillfully broken open so no shards of glass were trapped on the rim. Before she could turn her head to look at the passenger side, she heard a paramedic talking.

"On three," he said. "One, two, three." They grabbed her by her armpits and begun pulling her out the window of the Jeep. As her butt came to rest on the window, a second paramedic caught her legs. She contracted in pain, letting out a moan as her torso was slightly moved. The two paramedics carried her gingerly towards a gurney and laid her down.

Minutes passed as she drifted in and out of consciousness. Around her the smell of gasoline, blood, and metal filled the nostrils of the workers as they bustled around the roped off area. One female paramedic gingerly dabbed at the gash on Meredith's head before putting a bandage on it. Meredith let out a small moan, regaining stronger consciousness. "What happened?" she croaked, the vise on her vocal chords seemingly lifted.

"Eyewitness said the light turned green and you pulled forwards but, some guy just cut through the intersection and hit the passenger side of your car," answered a the female.

Suddenly, the fog that surrounded her brain lifted. "Derek!" she cried.

"Is that your friend's name?" she asked.

"Yes. Please, is he okay?" questioned Meredith, desperately, her strength being quickly restored by the natural adrenaline pumping through her veins.

"There was much more extensive damage on the passenger side-"

"Is he alright?" she demanded forcefully.

"He's currently stable but he's stuck," the female paramedic replied.

"Stuck?"

"They're working on cutting him out but…" she answered loosely. Meredith focused her ears and heard the crunching of metal and smelled smoke.

"But what?"

"There seems to be a piece of the car lodged in his spine." Meredith let out an involuntary gasp, cringing as a pain shot through her side.

"I need to see him," she insisted.

"I can't let you, ma'am. You need to be examined," said the paramedic, ready to restrain her.

"I'm fine," she insisted, masking the pain in her chest as she attempted to stand.

"You're not fine. You need to be examined."

"Let me just go see him," said Meredith. "I'm a surgeon, I can help. He's not family," she added painfully.

"You probably have a broken rib. I can't let you." Before the paramedic could stop her, Meredith slid off the gurney, holding her side as she pushed through the commotion.

"Ma'am, please come back!" called a paramedic, trying to follow her but getting trapped behind a moving gurney. She hobbled up to the wrecked Jeep to see firemen and a few paramedics huddled around the passenger side. Adrenelin pressed through her veins, masking the pain of her leg that she could barely walk on.

"Derek," she whispered to herself, feeling a pang of pain in her heart. Rushing towards the group, she heard a mechanical drilling-like sound and the crunching of metal. As she neared them, they pulled the roof off, leaving her Jeep looking like a beaten convertible. A metallic smell entered her nostrils, moving into her taste buds. The stench of blood also reached her and, for the first time, made her want to disgorge. But, it wasn't until she saw the lifeless body inside the car that she felt like gravity was forcing her to the floor.

His head fell slightly to the right, propped up by a neck brace. Nearing, she came to see his broken face. A gash cut across his forehead, covered by gauze that was quickly being bled through.

"What do you have?" barked Meredith, standing up as straight as she physically could.

"Who are you?" a male fireman asked as he held up a hand to keep her back.

"Doctor Meredith Grey." She dug in her pocket for her I.D. card and flashed it at the fireman. "Let me help."

"We don't need help," he insisted. "We're just going to pull him out."

"You can't. I was told something is lodged in the base of his spine you have to-"

"Be careful, we know," hissed the fireman, interrupting her. "Just stand back. This _is _our job, ma'am." Meredith did as she was told, moving out of their way. They began to cut away at her old Jeep, piece by piece, breaking the barriers between her and Derek.

"Clear!" called a different fireman. Meredith held her breath painfully as they positioned themselves around Derek, ready to pull him out. Moments moved slowly, as they grabbed his limbs and back, lifting him off the piece of metal that impaled him. Placing him gently on the gurney, people began to swarm, setting up a transfusion and putting him on a saline drip.

"Okay!" she cried. "Dose him with methylprednisolone and keep him stabilized!"

"Miss, we need to take you to the hospital," said a young looking, female paramedic.

"No. I need to go with him," Meredith insisted, holding her side as a sharp pain seared through it.

"I promise, we'll bring you right after. But, you need to lie down."

Meredith contemplated it for a moment, before nodding in consent. She wouldn't be of any use with a punctured lung, which was where she was headed. "Take us to Seattle Grace," she insisted. "We both work there. I want our people." The paramedic nodded.

Lying down on a gurney that'd been pulled up for her, two paramedics wrapped her in a blanket and strapped her down. One inserted a large bore I.V., putting her on a saline drip before shuttling her into an ambulance. A paramedic asked her a few questions, name, birthday, allergies, etcetera. Too tired to answer Meredith reached carefully into her pocket and passed the woman her hospital I.D. to show general information and the fact that the hospital would have everything. The rest of the ambulance ride remained a blur of leads, oxygen masks, and sirens.

"What have we got?" she heard a female voice barked as soon as the ambulance pulled to a halt.

"Car crash victim; female, possible broken rib, lacerations on her right arm and forehead," said the paramedic, pushing her out of the ambulance.

"Meredith!" exclaimed Dr. Bailey. "Are you okay?"

"Hi," she said weakly. "I'm alright. Is Derek inside already?"

"Shepherd was in the car too?" she questioned, grabbing hold of the side of the gurney and pushing it into the E.R. "I heard there were two victims. I think Nelson and Torres are looking after him. I'll get you an update as soon as we get you inside. Has anyone called his fiancé?" Meredith shook her head no. "I'll get someone on that. You don't have to worry."

She nodded in appreciation, closing her eyes as the gurney was pulled through the Emergency Room.

_I'm falling though the doors of the emergency room  
Can anybody help me with these exit wounds?_


	5. Only Derek Calls Me Amy

**A/N: Thank Hay (merdermcdreaming) for this. I wasn't originally gonna post tonight but between her kind words and her capitalized nagging, I changed my mind.**

XXX

Meredith woke up in a sterile looking room, tucked snugly under itchy white sheets. Adjusting her eyes to the fluorescent lighting, she vaguely remembered the events that had transpired. There was a car crash; that much she was clear of. And she had been with Derek. Then Derek got stuck in the car but they cut him out. They were put into ambulances and taken to the emergency room. After that, her memory went fuzzy. Suddenly she was overcome with the urge to get out of bed and find Derek. She attempted to sit up but was stopped by a tug and a shooting pain in her side. Looking down, she found a tube sticking out of her side. Meredith tried to lift her arm to feel her ribcage but the same shooting pain stopped her. The one thing she could reach was the call button, which she immediately pressed.

A minute or so later Dr. Bailey walked in. "You're awake," she stated.

"Where's Derek?" rasped Meredith in a tired voice. The pain in her sides became dull and constant as she spoke.

"He's out of surgery."

"And?" Bailey took a deep breath and walked to sit beside Meredith on the bed. "Don't do that," said Meredith, her voice cracking.

"What?"

"The sympathetic thing where we sit beside the patient. It makes me feel like he's dying."

"He's stable," articulated Bailey reassuringly, covering Meredith's hand with one of her own.

"I feel a 'but' coming," she said nervously.

"There was a lot of swelling in his brain so we had to leave a part of his skull in his abdomen until the swelling does down," she said. "And his other injuries were extreme, so for his own comfort and easiness of healing we put him in a medically induced coma."

Meredith gulped, her head aching from a combination of the drugs wearing off and trying to comprehend everything Bailey told her. "H-his spine," she stuttered. "There was something…a piece of the car…lodged in his spine."

"I was getting to that," sighed Dr. Bailey. Meredith looked up at her, searching her eyes for a spark of good. "There was damage to his L-1 through L-5 vertebra. Nelson was able to do the decompression. It was an incomplete spinal chord injury. But until he wakes up, we have no idea how much, if any, function or feeling he has."

"So… he could be paralyzed?"

"It's possible."

Meredith sucked in a sharp breath. He couldn't be paralyzed. He was Derek Shepherd with the big ego. Being paralyzed would emotionally kill him. It would rip him inside out until he was nothing but a broken shell of a man. "When do you think he'll wake up?" she questioned apprehensively.

"I don't know," admitted Dr. Bailey. "I think the Chief and Nelson are going to talk about it in about three days. They'll assess his progress but… there's a chance," she breathed.

"That he won't wake up," whispered Meredith.

"I'm so sorry Meredith."

"I…he's been my best friend for… years…I can't-" she said, her voice breaking as she started to cry. A sob rolled through her chest, making her wince visibly in pain. "I never said anything," she whispered to herself.

"I know," said Dr. Bailey.

"You…"

"I'm Dr. Bailey, I know everything."

"What about…did someone call his fiancé and his family?" sniffled Meredith.

"I called his family personally and I had a resident call his fiancé," she assured Meredith. "I think at least his mother is on her way."

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey. They deserve to know."

"Okay," said Dr. Bailey, sucking in a breath. "I'll leave you to get some rest."

"Can…can I see him?"

"Later. You need to sleep. You have two fractured ribs and a punctured lung. While you were sedated, I inserted a tube to drain some fluid. And if you didn't notice, you have a broken tibia," she said. Meredith only then realized that she hadn't taken a moment to assess her own injuries. Of course she noticed the tube sticking out of her side and the pain that kept ailing her. She looked further down to realize her leg was in a blue plaster cast. "You're just realizing your injuries. That shows how selfless you are, Meredith Grey," smiled Bailey. "Now get some rest." With that she strode out of the room.

XXX

A few hours later, Meredith peeked in to consciousness and heard hushed voices. "Mom, we she should at least wake her up for a moment to say hello, tell her we're here," said one of the voices.

"Hush. Let the poor girl get some sleep. We'll go sit by your brother and wait until she wakes up," a different voice spoke.

"I don't want to leave her all alone!"

"You're right, she shouldn't be alone. Stay here. I'll go sit with your brother. He shouldn't be alone either…even if he's in a coma," said the voice that was becoming familiar. It was of an older woman.

"Erin is with him," a younger voice spoke.

"Still," said the older voice disdainfully. "He should be with people who really care about him."

"Okay."

"I'll see you later." Meredith heard footsteps and she strived to open her eyes.

"Hey," she heard. Forcing her eyes open, she saw Amelia Shepherd sitting in a chair beside her. She looked like her normal put together self. A pair of jeans, a shirt that revealed a little more of her stomach than most professionals, and a black blazer covered it all. Her brown hair was uncharacteristically put up, and there was fear and worry hidden behind her exuberant, fiery blue eyes.

"Amelia, what are you doing here?" she questioned with a smile as she started to wake up.

"We didn't want mom out here alone and since I'm the last sister with no kids or husband, I flew out with her. She left the other girls at home with their kids. She didn't want everyone hovering."

"Good idea," said Meredith, her voice tired and strained.

"Yeah the Shepherd sisters can be… overwhelming in a word," laughed Amelia. There was a pause for a second, as Amelia looked Meredith up and down assessing her injuries. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm fine."

"Good."

"Have…have you seen Derek?" she asked nervously. Her stomach did a flip turn at the thought of his bruised and bandaged body, lying in the neurosurgical ICU.

"Just briefly. He… it looks bad. He doesn't look like Derek," she whispered sadly.

"I want to see him."

"Later Mer, you need to rest."

"Amelia," she pleaded desperately. Somehow, her mind couldn't wrap itself around the idea of Derek in a hospital bed. The last time he'd been in one was during her Freshman year of college when he'd crashed his motorcycle but then it was just cuts and bruises. Now he was lying in a bed in the _intensive care _unit.

"I don't need two siblings in medically induced comas," snapped Amelia.

"Amy," sighed Meredith.

"No one calls me Amy," she half-laughed. "Only…Derek calls me that."

"He really looks that bad," asked Meredith in an anxious whisper.

"He's not Derek...or he doesn't look like him."

"And Erin is there?"

"Yes," groaned Amelia.

"She's not that bad," Meredith lied.

"Have you met her?" she asked sarcastically.

"So…she's a little…fake."

"Mer, that woman is not right for Derek. He should be with…well, you."

"Amelia!" scolded Meredith, her cheeks flushing red.

"I'm sorry Mer but you're in love with him and you are prefect for him. If you got married, you'd really be my sister instead of my unofficial one."

"Just-" She shook her head no.

"Sorry," breathed Amelia.

"It's just too hard."

"I know."

"He asked me to be his best man," she said, an amused smile creeping on to her lips.

Amelia let out a hearty laugh. "You, his best man? Oh that is priceless." Meredith nodded; trying not to laugh because she knew it'd end up with her in pain. Her eyes started to fall droop and close; her eyelids felt heavy. She tried as hard as she could to keep them open, wanting to continue talking to Amelia. "Sleep," commanded Amelia softly. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Okay," she said as sleep overtook her.

_Close my eyes for a while  
Force from the world a patient smile_

XXX

**A/N: This update was drowned by dialogue. I couldn't save it. **

**COMMENT/REVIEW?**

**Yes? You will? Oh, that's so sweet! **

**You won't? Oh. Well then.**

**PS: If any of you have Twitter, I'm lovesmcdreamy. Add me if you wish. Oh and Tumblr. Tumblr I am sonicismight.**


	6. Guilt and Blame

Meredith's eyes slowly opened as she regained consciousness. She was unaware of how long she'd been sleeping but Amelia was still sitting in the chair by her bed so she gathered that it couldn't have been more than a few short hours. The pain in her side was still prominent, like someone was stabbing her repeatedly with a dull knife. More than anything, she wanted to see Derek. She needed to see that his heart was still beating and that slow, even breaths were still coming from his chest even if it was being forced to do so by a tube protruding out of his throat.

"Hey sleepy," grinned Amelia softly. "How are you doing?"

"A bit better," croaked Meredith, swatting at her nose.

"Good."

"I want to see Derek," she said firmly.

"You're not supposed to get out of bed, Mer. You've got a broken leg, two fractured ribs, and a punctured lung," Amelia stressed.

"Please, Amelia. I don't care. Get me a wheelchair. I-I just_ need_ to see him," she said, a lone, salty drop of water falling from her eye.

"Okay," agreed Amelia, placating her as to lower her stress level. "We'll do it. Just…don't tell that doctor of yours. She seems like a real hard ass."

Meredith giggled lightly, grimacing as a sharp pain shot through her side. "She's just Dr. Bailey, you get used to it." Amelia stood up and walked out of the room to find a wheelchair. A minute or so later she returned pushing the metal chair. Meredith sucked in a sharp breath as Amelia helped her slide into the chair while being careful to mind all the tubes and wires.

The moments they spent traveling down to the ICU where long and torturous. Meredith began to prepare herself for the Derek she would find lying in the hospital bed. Amelia said he was bad and being pushed towards his room made her realize just how bad he could be. Being a neurosurgeon, she'd seen what his condition could look like and it wasn't good.

"You ready?" asked Amelia, pausing at the threshold of Derek's room. She paused and took a deep breath. For a moment, Meredith sat in her chair, staring. She felt like she was frozen in the middle of a test, stuck on the last answer; she'd forgotten everything she studied. The situation was completely foreign to her. It was beyond her capability to finesse her way through it because she had no idea what she was doing. He was the supportive one; she was the one who needed the support. Derek was a rock; Meredith was a river, never steady and always passing everything by.

Meredith swallowed as she nodded for Amelia to push forward. The wheels turned slowly as Amelia turned her into Derek's room and stopped abruptly. A sick, twisting knot formed in Meredith's throat, and butterflies fluttered endlessly in her stomach. He lay flat in a network of tubes, wires, and monitors. An intubation tube protruded out of his mouth and a blue piece of plastic covered his pale lips, holding the tube steady. The machine it was attached to exerted a slow, steady, hissing sound as it forced him to breathe. With each breath unnaturally pushed into his lungs, his chest moved up and down. Up and down. Up and down. An itchy, blue thermal blanket was placed over him strategically, avoiding his elevated leg and the EKG leads attached to his chest with sticky pads underneath the flimsy hospital gown. A white cap bandage held his head snugly, the white color of the cap barely contrasting the pale, sickly white of his skin. She knew under that hat there was nothing, just bald, exposed skin. She gulped knowing he'd barely be Derek without his dreamy raven curls. They'd butchered, getting rid of the blood matted thick, brown hair to make a clear pathway for the surgeon.

His right arm was wrapped in a blue plaster cast. That combined with the cast enclosing his right leg, he was rendered completely immobile on the right side, the side the car hit. A pink-ish, red scar running diagonal across his forehead, disappearing behind the white cap. An automated blood pressure cuff was clasped around one bicep and lower on that arm; in the crease of his elbow an I.V. dripped a saline solution into his system to keep him hydrated. On the other hand, an oximeter enclosed his middle finger, measuring his oxygen levels constantly. Around his wrist, a paper identification bracelet read his information to anyone who needed to know. Another tube peeked out from under his elevated leg and led to a clear plastic bag to collect his urine. She was almost glad he was in a comatose state because if he wasn't she knew him well enough that he'd feel violated and exposed and would spend all of his energy wishing for relief from the embarrassment and humiliation he'd feel.

He was still as a rock, his arms resting beside him, palms down. Derek's blue-green eyes were hidden by the eyelids that covered them. She longed to see them open and sparkle at her like they usually did, just once. Meredith needed some reassurance that Derek was hidden in the still, sickly man lying in the hospital bed; that the exuberant, strong, amazing man was just hiding, waiting for the doctors to pull him out of a stupor. She didn't know what to do. The urge to crawl into bed with him and just rest her head against her chest to listen to his heartbeat overwhelmed her. She wanted to but, his fiancé was sitting in a chair nest to his bed and there was too much medical equipment surrounding him to do so. But he was alive, and that was all that mattered. She could deal with just listening to the steady beeping of the heart monitor instead.

"What are you doing here?" she heard someone snap at her. Turning her head to the side, she saw Erin look up from a magazine to notice Meredith's presence in the room. She was reading a magazine. She wasn't in the near comatose state Meredith seemed to be falling in to. She was just…reading a magazine.

Before Meredith could speak"She has more of a right than you to be here," retorted Amelia.

"How do you figure that?" snarled Erin.

"Well, for starters, she is like Derek's sister."

"No she's not."

"I adopted her into my family the moment she walked through my door her freshman year of college," Carolyn piped in forcefully.

"She's just a little stray you picked up," Erin huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. She stood glaring at the other occupants of the room.

"You do not talk about my best friend like that," growled Amelia as she moved away from Meredith. Her fists balled up in fury and she strived not to punch the woman in front of her in the face. "She may not be able to kick your ass right now but I can!" she cried angrily.

"Amelia, please," pleaded her mother before turning to her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. "Erin, why can't Meredith be here? We know you're not fond of any of us Shepherds," she said with distain, standing up to push herself further into the argument. "But, I'd hope you love my son if you're marrying him soon. And, if you do, you'd know that Meredith is the person who belongs in this room the most.

"This is her fault! This is all her fault!" screamed Erin. "She caused the accident! She was driving the car!"

Before anyone could stop her, Amelia's hand flew through the air, making contact with Erin's cheek with a loud crack. "You're an idiot!" she hissed at the cowering woman who was nursing her reddened cheek. "It is in no way Meredith's fault. It's the idiot who rammed her car!"

Erin chose to ignore her and continued on her rampage, holding her cheek. "It's all her fault! If she hadn't been such a sour face, Derek would have never asked her to go to the movies with her, in her car with her driving! He would have been home with me planning my dream wedding. Now, I'm supposed to be preparing for that freaking perfect wedding and my perfect fiancé is now all scared and banged up! I mean… he could never walk again! What will people think of us?" All mouths in the room gaped open, gawking at Erin's statement while she didn't seem phased by it. Erin simply sat back in her chair, her bottom lip protruded in a pout, and picked up her magazine. "Get out," she added roughly, glaring at Meredith.

"Amelia," Meredith said softly, trying not to break down in sobs. "I think I need some more rest." Amelia nodded and pushed her out of the room. Truthfully she just needed to be away from everyone.

This was all her fault. Erin was right.

She'd been driving the car.

Derek was in a coma because he was in a car accident…with her as the driver.

_Hard to be sure  
Sometimes I feel so insecure_


	7. Leave

**A/N: I hope you enjoy. This story will get a bit more active in a few chapters. It's kinda hard to have action when one of the main characters is in a coma.**

XXX

Tears fell softly down Meredith's face like a trickling stream as Amelia wheeled her back into her room. She didn't bother trying to wipe the tears away; she felt like crying. Erin was a manipulative bitch but her words did have some truth in them. She had been driving. She should have seen the car coming._ Always look left and right before you cross the road. _They taught that to children, walking alone for the first time. She should have remembered that, even if she driving. "Mer," sighed Amelia, pushing Meredith towards the bed. "What happened to Derek was in no way your fault."

"How is it not my fault? I was driving," she cried.

"Meredith Grey," she said firmly, crouching down to Meredith's eye level and she placed her hands on the armrests of the wheelchair. "None of this was your fault. Erin wants you to feel this way. You know how much she hates you just because you and Derek are so close. You and Derek were hit by a drunk driver; it's his fault. The idiot should have been in a cab, not behind a wheel. Derek wouldn't want you beating yourself up over this. You know my brother better than anyone else. Do you really think he'd want you mentally killing yourself over this and avoiding him? Or, do you think he'd want you sitting with him. You've been his best friend for 15 years."

Meredith silently took in everything her friend said, not responding because Amelia was obviously right. "Can we go back?" she questioned softly as she raised her hand to wipe the remaining tears away. "You're right. Derek would probably want me there. And, I'm not being me right now. The real me would have done anything to sit by him and kick the bitch out," she finished with a lot more strength.

Amelia smiled broadly. "There's my Meredith!" she exclaimed and grabbed the handles of the chair. "I'd be happy to escort you back there." She quickly pushed Meredith out of the room, down the hallway, into the elevator then down to the ICU. Meredith politely smiled at a few colleagues as they wished her well. They burst into Derek's room startling Mrs. Shepherd as well as Erin.

"I thought I told you to get out," hissed Erin, her eyes narrowing at Meredith.

"I did that," answered Meredith. "And now, I'm back." Amelia grinned at her best friend's snark as she pushed Meredith closer to Derek, earning a smile from her mother.

"You're not welcome here," sneered Erin.

"She is very much so," Carolyn said firmly. "Meredith is like my daughter and Derek is _my_ _son._ Heaven knows why my sweet boy is engaged to someone who is rude to his best friend and doesn't know him at all. Because, if you knew him, you'd know that he'd want Meredith sitting by his side."

"Well, he's not conscious and as his future wife, I should get to decide who's in here and who isn't," instead Erin.

"I'd like to highlight the word _'future'_ win that sentence," said Meredith snidely. "You're not your wife yet. I'm his power of attorney so, decisions are my job."

"And, I'm his mother and I'm telling you to leave," insisted Carolyn.

"Excuse me?" said Erin, taken back.

"L-e-a-v-e," Amelia spelled out. When Erin didn't move she continued, "Do you have a hearing impairment? Leave!"

"I-"

"Bye," grinned Meredith devilishly, waving at her.

Erin's face scrunched up angrily and she huffed dramatically as she exited the room. Carolyn smiled at her daughter and adopted daughter. "How are you feeling, Meredith," she asked sweetly.

Meredith grasped Derek's lifeless hand and looked up at Carolyn. "I feel fine. I'd be better if Derek were awake," she admitted.

"We all would," sighed Carolyn, walking over to place a supportive hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"He'll be alright," she whispered to herself. Searching his face for any sign of life, she was unsuccessful. He lay pale, lifeless, like an empty canister, waiting to be filled with something substantial. She craved any sign that her best friend was hidden in the still, sickly man lying in the hospital bed; that the strong, amazing man was just hiding, waiting for the doctors to pull him out of his uncurious state. Her hands absentmindedly stroked his arm, attempting to gain any sort of comfort from his warm, alive skin.

Amelia and her mother joined Meredith in sitting on or near Derek's bed and just touching some part of him to reassure themselves that he was alive. Silent tears cascaded down Meredith's face, weeping for the chances lost to confess her feelings. Over the nearly eleven years they'd been best friends, she'd had plenty of opportunities to profess her love but never took them. Their friendship was too important to her to ruin it by means of unrequited love. Meredith took to staring at him intently, willing him to open his eyes. Any flicker of movement to prove life besides the steady rise and fall of his chest. At that moment, waiting with baited breath for Derek to wake out of his coma, she promised herself that if things ever didn't work out between Derek and Erin and if she didn't move on, she'd confess. Her tears suddenly began to fall faster, making her look like a weeping willow, bend over and lifeless.

Suddenly, Meredith felt herself being pulled into the cozy embrace of a shorter, heftier woman. "I know," Carolyn whispered to her as she hugged her closer.

"You know?" she questioned, leaning back from the embrace.

"Meredith, I've known since the day my son brought you home from college."

"But I didn't-"

"At that point you didn't know, but I knew."

"I never told him," she whispered. "And now, it's too late. He's in a coma and engaged to Erin."

"It's never too late," promised Carolyn. "That girl is wretched." She pulled up a seat next to Meredith's wheelchair and wrapped an arm around Meredith's shoulders. "I still have my engagement ring that Derek's father made me promise to give to Derek for the right girl." Carolyn displayed the diamond ring in her soft palm. "Erin isn't right, clearly. I've always thought that one day… you would wear it."

"That will never happen," she laughed bitterly, wiping a few tears out from under her eyes.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that."

"He doesn't love me…at least not the way I love him."

"I just don't think he knows it in the same way you do, sweetheart," said Carolyn. "Somewhere in that thick skull of his, he knows." Meredith shook her head 'no'. "He sees things in black and white. You don't. He needs a spoonful of that. He needs you," she told her softly.

"Well, it still doesn't matter," she said quietly, taking in the magnitude of what her surrogate mother had said.

"Just wait… things tend to unfold for the greater good," Carolyn smiled softly.

"Right now, I just want him to wake up and be fine," sobbed Meredith.

"Oh sweetheart," she said affectionately as she pulled Meredith into a sideways hug. More than wanted to hold him, to be with him as more than a friend, she just wanted him to wake up and tell her everything would be okay.

_How'd I let you slip away,  
__When I'm longing so to hold you  
__Now I'd die for one more day  
_'_cause there's something I should have told you  
__There's something I should have told you  
__When I looked into your eyes_

XXX

**A/N: I promise, Erin will be gone soon.**


	8. Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Meredith sat by Derek's bed like she had been the five days before. There had been little improvement in his condition so they kept pumping pentobarbital through his veins, allowing his body time to recover. Every morning she looked to the doctors hopefully, waiting for the day they'd tell her it was time to wake him up. So far, Bailey kept saying the neurosurgeon on the case was still skeptical. Carolyn and Amelia begged her to go home, since she'd been discharged two days before, and get some sleep but she refused. Derek needed her. Since getting kicked out of his room, Erin had been popping up during visiting hours to sit in the corner of his room quietly, not daring to offend the Shepherds and Meredith again.

"Good news," exclaimed Bailey, walking into the room with a chart in hand. "Nelson wants to stop the Phenobarbital. Time to wake Dr. McDreamy up." Meredith's eyes suddenly sparked with light, as they hadn't in a week. She sat up straighter, one of the heavy weights lifted off her shoulders. "When he wakes up, we'll see about getting him back in the OR to fix his skull."

"Oh thank god," sighed Amelia, leaning over to hug Meredith.

"Is his fiancé around? Wouldn't she like to be here for this?" questioned Bailey.

"Just do it without her," insisted Carolyn.

"Alright." She walked over to the IV made a few adjustments, swapping bags before smiling at those in the room. "Okay, it'll be a few hours but Derek will wake up today."

Suddenly, Meredith sprung out of the chair, hobbled on one leg towards her, dragging her cast covered leg along, and pulled Dr. Bailey into a hug. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome, Meredith." Meredith nodded and let Dr. Bailey help her back to her seat. "I'll be back in a few hours. Page me if he wakes up or even if his eyes start fluttering." The group collectively nodded 'yes' before turning their attention to Derek.

XXX

Hours later, a soft groan startled Meredith from her semi-conscious state. She blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to blink away the exhaustion. A groan sounded again, pulling her attention to Derek's lifeless form. His eyelids fluttered and his hands clenched into a fist before slowly stretching out again. Meredith slipped her hand in his, feeling the rough of his skin against her soft hands as she had for a week but this time it was different. His hands seemed warmer, more comforting. Suddenly his grip closed weakly around her hand.

"M-Mer," he managed to groan.

"Derek," she sighed happily, leaning in to kiss his forehead.

Erin was the next to rush to Derek's side, grasping his casted hand. "I'm here too, Derek," she asserted.

"Hmm," he moaned in acknowledgement. "What…where…"

"We got in an accident," said Meredith softly.

"Movie."

"Yeah, on the way back from a movie."

"Don't… can't…'member," muttered Derek, opening his eyes a little more.

"That's normal, not to remember the accident, it's okay, Derek."

"M'kay," he said sleepily.

"Sleep, Derek," she told him. Without response he drifted into a restful slumber. Meredith sat back in her chair, still clutching Derek's hand like a fleshy, warm lifeline.

"He didn't even care that I was here," huffed Erin as she dropped her fiancé's hand and sat in her chair.

"He was just waking up for the first time. He probably had no idea what was going on," said Meredith as reassuringly as she could.

"Yeah, you're right," huffed Erin, tucking a lock of straight hair behind her ear. "He was probably just remembering the last person he was with. Next time he wakes up, he'll be asking for me, the love of his life."

"Yeah. There's no reason he'd ask for me anyways," she said pitifully to herself.

XXX

Derek groaned and languidly stretched his aching back and torso. Every inch of his 5'10" body ached and screamed in protest with the slightest movement. Searing pain pounded against his skull and shot through his side, rippling into the cast that covered his right arm. Listening to his surroundings, he heard the familiar sound of a heart monitor beeping steadily and familiar voices talking softly. He opened his blue eyes slowly and found himself in a darkened, white room. "You're awake!" he heard a familiar voice exclaim happily.

"Hmm," grunted Derek in response. He could barely make a sound, his throat dry and in pain; it felt as if someone rubbed sandpaper up and down his throat.

"Hi," said Erin, kissing his lips.

"Mmh," he replied. "Thirsty."

"I have some ice chips," said Meredith reaching into the cup to pull one out. She ran it along his chapped lips, wetting them before sliding it into his mouth. He savored the cool moisture wetting his dry, aching throat.

"Mer?"

"I'm here," she said, squeezing his un-casted hand.

"What…"

"On the way back from the movie, a car hit us."

"I can't…"

"It's normal not to remember," she said quickly, anticipating what he was going to say. "Just rest."

He made a small sound, just letting her know that he heard her. Before going back to sleep he tried stretching out again, feeling the tension from lying in a bed for an unknown amount of time. Derek bent his arms a little, releasing a stiffening pain in his elbows, making them sigh in relief.

Moving down his body he tried stretching his legs out, knees first. When he couldn't, panic overrode all his other senses. "Can't…I… my legs," he mumbled nearly incoherently, fear evident in every word. "I can't move my legs."

_Feels like you're drowning but you still got breath_

XXX

**A/N: Yeah, bit of a cliff hanger there. **

**Oh and, yeah. I never said Erin was gone for good. When she makes her exit from this story, well, it'll be blatantly obvious. It's coming up soon though, don't worry.**


	9. Perfection

**A/N: Make sure you caught the last chapter. I think a lot of people didn't.**

**I think you'll like this update a lot.**

XXX

Derek's tired eyes fluttered around anxiously as they waited for the neurosurgical consult to come in. He couldn't move his legs; he couldn't move them but he could feel Meredith's hand resting comfortingly on his thigh. Mustering all the strength he could he just tried to move one toe but failed miserably.

"It'll be okay," said Meredith soothingly, squeezing his hand. "Even if it is," she gulped, "permanent, we'll work it all out."

"Since when did you become such an optimist?" he rasped.

"I guess I've been hanging around you too much," she teased. Erin sat silently in a chair feet away from Derek's bed. Her fingers were laced together, resting on one crossed knee. She paid little attention to her nervous fiancé and more to a spot on the floor. Meredith sent a backwards glare at her, hating her for not being more supportive but she wasn't surprised in the slightest.

"Well, you can be optimistic for the both of us," croaked Derek, attempting to flash her a smile.

"I can do that," she nodded, tears pooling in her eyes. "You've been my rock for so long, I can be yours for now."

"Thank you."

"No need. That's what best friends are for, right?" He smiled softly in response. They sat silently for minutes that dragged on like hours until Dr. Nelson walked in holding a chart.

He sighed deeply, adjusting his wire rimmed glasses as he leaned his arms against the wheeling tray table that sat at the end of the bed. "I looked over your MRI and CT scans." Dr. Nelson, the man they called, Shadow Shepherd, sighed heavily.

"Can you just stop looking like he's dying," snapped Meredith irately. Derek squeezed her hand as tightly as he could and she squeezed back.

"Sorry, Dr. Grey. I was saying, I looked over the scans and, I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd, it doesn't looked promising. Your scans show an incomplete injury, that's why you've been reporting feeling but no movement. It's a little less common than the complete injury but you know that."

A few tears pooled in Derek's eyes but he gulped a sob back. "So, I probably won't walk again."

"There are miracle cases but, I'm sorry, Derek," said Nelson, addressing his college by his first name. Derek nodded in understanding. Meredith gripped tightly, offering as much support as she could.

"I'll leave you with your family," he said, beginning to bow out of the room. "A nurse or Dr. Bailey will be in shortly to get you sitting up a bit."

Silence fell upon the room, crushing every person in it. Meredith watched her best friend's face twist as he tried not to cry. She looked over to Carolyn and Amelia, searching their faces for any sign that they knew what to say. They both glanced back at her, just as lost as she was. All Meredith could think to do was lean in and kiss his forehead supportively. "It'll be okay," she breathed against the bandage covering his head. Derek stared into her eyes as to say, _Thank you but please shut up_.

Thankfully, at that moment a nurse walked into the room. "Dr. Shepherd," she smiled. "Let's see if we can get you up and coughing a little. Just to clear your lungs and avoid post pneumonia."

He nodded noncommittally, readying himself for the pain. The nurse helped him sit up before asking him to cough a few times. With every cough, he squeezed Meredith's hand tightly. Finally, convinced he couldn't take anymore, the nurse raised the bed so he could sit up and he lay back. The room turned silent once more as Derek's erratic breathing returned to normal.

"I can't do this," said Erin nervously standing out of her chair.

"Erin," breathed Derek.

"I'm sorry, Derek, I can't do this. This isn't what I signed up for. This…this can't be my life from now on. It's too big a change. We were supposed to be the perfect couple... this isn't perfect. This isn't even close." Derek was speechless as his fiancé, the women he loved, walked out.

Meredith let go of Derek's hand and ran out after Erin. "Erin!" she called behind her.

Erin turned around to face her. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I'm leaving."

"I don't care," snapped Meredith, stepping up to the woman. "I just have something to say to you." Erin opened her mouth to protest but Meredith stopped her. "I hate you. I've hated you since I first spent any substantial time with you. You're snobby, stuck up, and a real bitch. Derek deserves better. You were never right for him. He was just a pretty boy, highly paid, neurosurgeon that you could carry around in your purse. But walking out because he can't walk and that doesn't fit into your perfect little life, that proves you never even loved him at all. My advice, rethink the kind of person you are because in no meaning of the word are you a good one," she hissed.

Resisting the urge to slap her across the face, Meredith turned around and walked back to Derek's room. "I'm sorry, Derek," she sighed. "She left." Derek's head fell in a mixture of shame, depression, and anger. Tears fell from his eyes at the prospect of spending the rest of his life alone, his dreams of having a family crushed like the metal of Meredith's Jeep by the idiot who'd T-boned the car.

_Than I ever was with her._  
_Am I better off dead?  
__Am I better off a quitter?  
__They say I'm better off now,  
Than I ever was with her._

XXX

**A/N: So? What'd you think?**

**She's gone! I think that deserves a comment.**


	10. Mother's Intuition

**A/N: Sorry this took SO long!**

XXX

Carolyn Shepherd walked out of her son's room, pushing Meredith in a borrowed wheelchair. Because of her healing lung, crutches were too much strain, confining her to a chair. Together, they had decided to go across the street to Joe's to get some air as well as pick up real, non-hospital food. It had been a fight for Carolyn to even get Meredith to leave Derek's side but after whispering, _I need to talk to you, in her ear_, she became more compliant. Derek had been in an understandably piss poor mood since Dr. Nelson delivered the news and Erin walked out. His emotions were uncontrollable. One minute he'd be sobbing, the next, yelling; he never smiled. Meredith hoped that some non-soggy hospital food might elevate his mood or at least make him feel more human.

Meredith took a few deep breaths, listening to the wheels spin softly under the chair. Watching Derek, tears constantly threatened to spill but she stayed strong, for him. Everything she'd been doing was for him. Unlike the heartless, shallow bitch who'd walked out, the fact that he was wheelchair bound didn't deter her whatsoever. She was just as much in love with Derek as she had been before the accident. "What did you need to talk to me about?" questioned Meredith quietly.

"Let's wait until we can sit," said Carolyn. She walked forwards, pushing Meredith out of the hospital and across the street. A few people turned to look at the woman pushing a girl in her pajamas with a bulky black cast encasing her leg. Technically, Meredith hadn't been released but no one had noticed them leaving the hospital. She bit her lip, chewing deftly on the soft flesh with her front teeth, an unconscious habit.

Carolyn pushed Meredith across the street, avoiding cars, and down the ramp to the bar's door. Bright green words reading Emerald City Bar sat above the door. Carolyn reached in front to open the door before pushing Meredith's chair through. The reek of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol flooded their noses as they moved into the dimly lit space. Chimes sounded as the door shut; Joe, the owner, looked up. "Meredith!" he smiled. "I heard you got into an accident." Carolyn pushed her up to the bar, standing in place behind the chair.

"I did. I'm alright, as you can see," she smiled sadly. "Made it out with only a few minor injuries."

"What about Dr. Shepherd? I heard he was with you."

"Derek…he'll be okay," she said tentatively.

"Well good. What can I do for you ladies?"

"We just want to bring some real food for my son back to the hospital," said Carolyn.

"You must be Dr. Shepherd's mother then," surmised Joe.

"That I am," she smiled proudly. "Carolyn Shepherd." She extended her hand to Joe who smiled and shook.

"So, what kind of food were you thinking?"

"Two hamburgers with fries and a large House Salad for Derek," responded Meredith. "And Carolyn…"

"I'll just have a Cesar Salad."

"Coming right up." Joe smiled and walked back into the kitchen to deliver the order. Turning the chair, Carolyn pushed Meredith over to a table and sat at a seat.

"I think you need to tell him," blurted Carolyn.

"What?"

"Not now but, soon, you should tell Derek you love him."

"I…he's dealing with so much already. It'd be selfish," she stammered.

"No." She shook her head, grabbing Meredith's hands. "He's going to need you. Right now, besides his family, you're the only one who will take care of him. And, right now, he's feeling like he'll never be loved again."

"I…I can't put that sort of pressure on him," she sighed though it came out like a sob. "It'll just make him feel the need to say it back or our friendship will be ruined, I can't risk it. You said it yourself. Besides you, Amelia and the rest of your daughters, I'm the only one who is willing to give up anything to take care of him."

"Then just take away the pressure," said Carolyn. "Tell him he doesn't need to say it but you just wanted him to know. I just think it will make him feel better about himself and the future. And, I know my son and I think saying it back won't be the issue."

"Carolyn I-"

"Just think about it. Wait until you get home. I assume Derek is staying with you because he can't live in that trailer anymore.

"I didn't even think about that but, of course."

"Great. Then one day just sit down with him and tell him."

"Carolyn…"

"Think about it," she pleaded, looking deeply into the younger girl's eyes.

Meredith sighed, twisting the watch on her wrist. She paused to take in the magnitude of what Carolyn was asking of her. Telling Derek would mean opening her heart for the first time to a man and leaving it open for breaking. But she knew Carolyn had a valid point and, she'd do anything to make Derek's McDreamy smile reappear on his fallen face. "I will think about it."

"Thank you, Meredith. You've just been so great today. I don't know how you stay so strong," she sighed in admiration.

"I have to be," she replied bravely.

"Well, I commend you. I fell apart just calling Nancy today. I asked her to tell her sisters. I just don't think I could handle telling them all."

"Are they coming out?"

"No. I told them to wait a bit. Nancy was upset but Derek doesn't need a gaggle of brown haired women bothering him," she attempted to joke. "I think you, Amelia, and I are quite enough. And Mark is around."

Meredith nodded in agreement. "I take it you'll stay and help for a while?" she asked hopefully.

"Of course. He's my son. There's nowhere I'd rather be."

"Thank you. I don't think I could do it all by myself, at least at first," she breathed, sighing in relief.

Carolyn reached forwards and stroked the side of Meredith's face in a motherly manner. "I'd never ask you to." Meredith looked into Carolyn in the eyes and smiled gratefully at her pseudo surrogate mother. They sat silently for a few minutes, just breathing and enjoying a moment of slight relaxation. Meredith thrust her head from side to side, trying to alleviate the tight stiffness in her neck.

"Meredith?" said Carolyn softly.

"Yes?" she replied.

"I can't wait until you become my official daughter."

"How do you know I'll ever marry Derek?"

"A mother always knows."

_I wanna ask for directions but I don't dare to disturb  
I got a thing with affections  
Yeah  
That's why I'm walking alone_

XXX

**A/N: So what'd you think? Lemme hear it1**


	11. Burdens

**A/N: Wow, has it been a long time! Hi guys!**

**Update for ya!**

**PS: I apologize for the wait... I've just been super busy AND I've gotten really into writing for Kurt/Blaine.**

XXX

Carolyn's words weighed heavily on her shoulders as she watched Derek stare at a wall. He looked so beaten down, broken. Dark bags hung under his green eyes. The smiley sparkle that usually lit his eyes was gone, dulled down to a watery dark shadow of their usual gleam. In the fifteen hours since his life crashed down around him like an avalanche, he'd barely said anything. He slept badly, waken up every few hours to check vitals and do a routine check up. When he was awake, you could see the discomfort and sorrow in his eyes as he stared down at his legs, willing them to move but coming up unsuccessful.

"Good news Derek," announced Dr. Bailey as she walked into his hospital room.

"What? There's a new Jell-o flavor for dinner," he said sarcastically.

"No," said Bailey, ignoring his blatant sarcasm. "Tomorrow morning we're taking you back into the OR to fix your skull. After that, well see how your recovery goes and get you home within about a week."

"And that's good news why?" he said bleakly.

"Because, as you know, most patients with spinal cord injuries are stuck here for months. But, I discussed it with Dr. Nelson and we both agreed that because you will be in the care of a neurosurgeon, we can send you home after only a few physical, mental, and occupational therapy sessions."

"It's a good thing, Derek," said Meredith, a tad of sharpness in her voice. He looked up at her with broken eyes and nodded.

"Good," said Bailey. "So, from now until tomorrow morning, you are confined to water. No more eating." Derek nodded solemnly. "See you in the morning." Dr. Bailey signed off on his chart and began walking out of the room. "Oh, Grey," she said, turning around. "Can I talk to you in the hall for a moment?" Meredith nodded and Bailey walked over to push the wheelchair out of the room.

"Is there something you need?"

"No. I just wanted to make sure you realized how difficult this adjustment will be for a while."

"I do," she nodded confidently.

"And you're set on taking care of him yourself?"

"Yeah, we'll be okay. And Carolyn will help me for a while."

"It's going to be pretty much a full time job. Have you thought about what you'll do with work?" questioned Bailey.

"I have some vacation time saved up. I haven't taken one since I've worked here. I'll just use that time and, I'll see what I can work out with the chief."

"I'm only questioning you like this because contrary to my nickname, I care about you and Derek," she said softly.

Meredith smiled sweetly, reaching up to place a hand on Bailey's arm. The unexpected protectiveness lifted a small weight off her shoulder, knowing she had another person on her team. "I can do this. Derek's been my best friend for over fifteen years. And, it's not like he has no control of his bladder or anything like that. He can feel everything down there. It'll just be an adjustment in his professional life and not being able to walk."

"Okay, I trust your judgment," she nodded. "And if either of you need something, you know where I am."

"Thank you." Meredith bit her lip, her eyes drifting to the floor in embarrassment.

"Is there something _you_ need, Meredith? Something you want to talk or ask about?"

"I-uh… it's a little embarrassing." She blushed.

"Just spit it out."

"I just know Derek will ask and he wouldn't want to do it in front of his mother and sisters. I haven't seen his scans but I know this sort of injury can be complicated with different nerves. I just…" her cheeks reddened further turning into a rosy red. "Willhebeabletogetanerection," she mumbled quickly.

"Spit it out, Grey. You're a doctor," she demanded, pushing Meredith to say it slower.

She took a deep breath, preparing to spit it out. She was a medical professional, saying _erection_ shouldn't be that hard but, it wasn't some random patient, it was the man she was in love with. "Will Derek be able to get an erection?" she muttered quickly, her eyes casting to the floor.

Bailey smiled slightly at Meredith's embarrassment, remembering a time when the word _penis_ came up very often. Since that era of her youthful internship, she'd matured greatly. "There's nothing that indicates no right now. He has full feeling in his lower extremities, just no ability to move. His scans don't show anything either. I don't think we'll really know until he gets aroused or, is unable to," said Bailey professionally.

"Okay."

"I'll push you back in, let you get back to him," she smiled. Meredith took a deep, cleansing breath and nodded. Reaching for the plastic covered handles of the metal wheel chair, Bailey quickly pushed Meredith up to Derek's bedside before smiling at the Shepherds and walking out, Derek's chart tucked safely under her arm.

"So, I guess it's just been decided that I'm staying with you?" Derek questioned Meredith softly, turning his bandaged head to the side to see her.

"Yes," she nodded. "Well, unless you have a serious opposition to it. We could probably find you an apartment or a house or something. I mean-"

"Meredith," he said, cutting off her ramble. "I don't mind. You're my best friend, of course I don't mind staying with you. Unless I'm a burden."

"Derek, as you said, we're best friends. You can't be a burden," she smiled, holding his hand. For some reason touching him just made her feel better, it was proof that he was still alive. She hoped that her touch brought at least some comfort to him, her body heat softly caressing his, proving the life of a human being on his side.

Derek looked to the side, smiling softly at his best friend. His smile didn't reach his eyes like usual but it was a smile, nonetheless. Meredith was now his rock. He had no fiancé, no one to love him in that way, Meredith was all he had and for the time being, it was okay. Looking down, he noted the bulky, heavy black cast on her leg and the way she favored her left side. "You're in a wheelchair," frowned Derek.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"The impact fractured two of my ribs, punctured a lung, and broke my tibia. Crutches would cause too much strain on my lungs," she said, speaking like a surgeon. "It's healing but just to be safe, I'm in the chair."

"I'm sorry," he whispered miserably, casting his eyes to the blue blanket on his bed. His fingers picked at it, twisting it between his prints.

"For what?"

"I've been so self invested, I didn't even notice you were hurt," said Derek pitifully.

"It's okay," she assured him, squeezing his hand. "I understand, Derek."

"No," he cried though his voice was weak. "I'm sorry. You've been sitting here holding my hand for, how long now? And I haven't even asked why you're in a wheelchair."

"Derek," sighed Meredith, running a hand over his forearm. "My injuries are nothing compared to yours."

"Yeah, but you've been an amazing friend to me and I've just been moaning, crying, and screaming."

"Derek, I swear, I didn't even notice you hadn't asked. How about we make a deal, you can lack on your 'friend' duty until we go home. Then, you have to start being a good one," she placated.

He looked at her for a moment, took a deep breath, and nodded slowly. Derek's lids became heavy, threatening to close. Attempting to keep them open, his upper face contorted enough for Meredith to see what he was doing. "Sleep, Derek," she commanded lovingly. With a slight bob of his head his eyes closed and he fell asleep.

_Cause I will take it on the chin  
Eh, for you  
So lay your cuts and bruises over my skin_

XXX

**A/N: Comment? Review? Love?**


	12. Changes

**A/N: So so sorry for the wait! Life is hectic. High school sucks.**

XXX

"Chief? Are you busy?" Meredith queried, sitting in the doorway with Amelia behind her. Derek had been pulled back into surgery so she took the opportunity to seek out the chief.

"Meredith," smiled Richard Webber. "Come in, come in."

Amelia pushed her up to the Chief's desk and bowed out. "I'll be right out side," she quietly assured Meredith who nodded as Amelia pulled the wooden door closed.

"How are you doing?" inquired the Chief with sympathy in his words. His voice sounded like that of a concerned uncle or father. He interlaced his fingers, placing his hands in front of him on his desk. "And how's Derek?"

Meredith gulped trying to come up with and answer, or how to lie about one. How was she? Her best friend, the man who was most likely the love of her life, was in surgery, with almost no chance of ever walking again. Bruised, battered, and maimed, he laid half a shell of the man she knew. The woman he planned to marry walked away, shattering his heart in addition to his body, leaving him putty in life's hands. Not only that but she had a sizable recovery ahead of herself with two fractured ribs and a broken tibia. "I'm fine and Derek," she sighed and pushed a stray piece of hair off her face. "He'll be okay… eventually."

"He's in surgery, isn't he?"

"That's why I came to talk to you now," said Meredith.

"What can I do for you?"

"I need to talk to you about time off."

The Chief nodded. "You'd like to take care of Derek? And yourself, of course."

"He needs me," she said weakly, almost a whisper. After her talk with Bailey, she'd been anxious to talk to the Chief. Derek was her best friend and the man she was in love with. His emotional and physical trauma needed care and she wanted to be the one to care for him.

"I understand," he replied with a nod. "How much time are we talking about?"

"Three months?" said Meredith questioningly. "I-I'll take it unpaid if I have to," she added quickly, nervousness lacing her words.

The Chief looked to his computer screen and quickly typed in Meredith's name. "Well, according to the records, you've been working well over eighty hours a week lately. That combined with the fact that you've taken very few and short vacations, I can give you two weeks of paid leave and another five for recovery leave," he told her.

"If I take the other four or five weeks, will I have a job when I get back?" questioned Meredith nervously, twisting her watch on her wrists. Peering down she noted that Derek had been in surgery for an hour already, only a bit more to go.

"Yes," he answered quickly. "You're a brilliant surgeon, Dr. Grey. It'd be stupid of me not to hold your place."

"Thank you, Chief." Meredith grinned softly at him, a large weight hoisted off her shoulders.

"Do you need me to push you anywhere? Back to Derek's room?"

"No. Amelia—Derek's sister—is waiting outside. Could you just push me towards the door?"

"Of course." Richard smiled, walking around his desk to grasp the plastic covered, metal handles of the chair. The wheels turned easily as he swiftly pushed her towards the door. He opened it and pushed the chair out into the receptive hands of Amelia.

With a final smile to the chief and a nod from Amelia to the chief, Amelia pushed her away, back towards the surgical waiting room. "How was the meeting?" questioned Amelia.

"Successful," smiled Meredith, satisfaction lacing through the letters of the word like a shoelace. "I got a two weeks of paid vacation and five for recovery leave. So, I'm just taking another four or five weeks and I'm guaranteed my position when I return."

"That's perfect, Mer."

"I know. It worked out well for once."

There was a short pause in the conversation, the silence standing between them thinly. "I actually have something to talk to you and mom about," said Amelia

"What?"

"I'll tell you when we get to the waiting room."

"Tease," grumbled Meredith. She sucked in a deep breath as Amelia continued towards the elevator and down to the waiting room. The meeting with the chief was a good, yet short, distraction from the fact that her best friend was lying on an operating room table with his skull open. But now that very real, very scary fact slapped her across the face as the metal chair's wheels rolled under her. There were plenty of complications that could go wrong even from the simple surgery; she knew every one. But, so not to drive her self mad waiting, she pushed it aside.

The waiting room and Carolyn Shepherd came into view as they turned a corner. "How did the meeting go, dear?" asked the older woman sweetly as Amelia parked the wheelchair.

"It went well," said Meredith. "I got everything I needed out of it. I have three months off."

"Good," smiled Carolyn. "And remember, I'll be around as long as you and Derek need me."

"I know. You're such a huge help, Carolyn. I have no idea what we'd do without you."

"I'll be around too, if you ever need anything, Mer," said Amelia.

"What? No, Amelia, dear, you have work. Meredith, Derek and I will be fine," Carolyn assured her daughter caringly, placing a hand on her leg.

"Well, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," she said, turning to Meredith.

"What?"

"I'm moving to Seattle," she said. There was a pause between the three women as surprise and other emotions boiled. "I talked to the chief yesterday and he gave me a good offer because I did that fellowship with Dr. Ginsberg, which gains a lot of prestige," continued Amelia.

"You're moving here?" said Carolyn slowly, wrapping her mind around the fact that her daughters wouldn't all live near her anymore.

"I think it'll be good for me. I don't have much back east besides you, mom. All my sisters have families, I'll hang out with this part of our family. And, I can help Derek and Meredith as much as they need," she supplied. Silence hovered in the waiting room as the recipients of the news comprehended it. "So…"

"I'm thrilled you're moving here," grinned Meredith. "I'd hug you if it didn't hurt to move my upper body."

"Rain check." Amelia grinned a wide smile of relief that she had her friend in her corner. "Mom?" she fished.

Carolyn took a deep inhale and smiled. "I'll miss having you near me but, I'm happy that Derek and Meredith will have you with them."

"Thank you for supporting this, Mom."

"Of course."

Meredith laid her head slightly back, letting her eyes drift closed slightly. Her fractured ribs didn't allow for comfortable sleep, which, coupled with the pain medicine making her drowsy, made her eyelids too heavy to bear.

The next thing she knew, Amelia was gently shaking her thigh and telling her to wake up. She lifted her eyelids to see Dr. Nelson and Dr. Bailey standing in front of her. Shaking her head, she tried to blink the sleep out of her eyes. "Did it go well?" she asked hopefully, her tired voice coming out gravely.

"There were some complications," said Dr. Bailey slowly. Meredith's eyes widened and she gulped nervously.

_When I get to the bottom  
I go back to the top of the slide  
Where I stop and turn  
and I go for a ride _


	13. My Life is Over

**A/N: Remember me? Yeah... I'm terrible at updating. I hate school so I'm blaming this on school. And life. **

**Anyways, incase you forgot, Meredith and Derek were in a car crash. She's fine but he's paralyzed and just underwent surgery to fix his brain.**

XXX

"_There were some complications," said Dr. Bailey slowly. Meredith's eyes widened and she gulped nervously._

Meredith stared at her colleague, her body starting to shake. Complications weren't what she wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that the surgery went smoothly and that Derek was going to wake up within the hour. But obviously whatever higher power existed was determined to rip apart hers and Derek's lives until they were shreds of rags scattered on the floor of the universe.

"What complications?" questioned Amelia nervously.

"He coded unexpectedly for a bit, he was down for a few minutes but we got him back. We're hopeful that he'll wake up without any brain damage from loss of oxygen," she said.

"Oh thank god," sighed Meredith, finally willing her lungs to work again. "You had to scare me like that?"

"I'm sorry," smiled Dr. Bailey sadly. Meredith leaned back in her wheel chair in relief. She made a mental note for when she started operating again: Never start with, _"There were some complications," _if the patient is a live and there's hope.

"He's in the ICU now," she said. "We'll move him to recovery when he wakes up and you can see him there."

"Thank you, said Carolyn, smiling gratefully at the doctor who was working so hard to keep her son alive. Dr. Bailey nodded, smiled, and turned back down the hall.

XXX

Derek began regaining consciousness, tugging himself out of the dark recesses of deep sleep. He heard the now familiar beeping of machines, constantly monitoring his oxygen levels and blood pressure. The stench of sterilization flooded his nose as he took a deep breath.

Meredith noticed his eyes fluttering open, as he struggled to wake up. "Hey," she said softly as she stroked his hand.

"Hi," rasped Derek, his head falling to the side to look at his friend.

"How are you?"

"Feeling like I just had brain surgery."

"Hm. That'd be bad if you hadn't just gotten out of surgery," she giggled. A dry chuckle radiated out of his chest, settling in Meredith's ears gently.

"It went okay?" he questioned.

"Yeah, you're fine."

"Hmm."

"You're not going anywhere under my watch, Derek Shepherd."

"Hmm okay."

"Go back to sleep," she said sweetly, almost reaching to push his hair back before awkwardly remembering, he had none to push. Instead she reached for his cheek, caressing it gently. "You need it." With in moments, Derek obeyed, his eyes closed again as he fell dead to the world.

XXX

"Come on, Derek you can do it," encouraged Meredith as her best friend concentrated fiercely on his hand, willing it to stretch out. He'd been able to bend it into a fist with a lot of trying but extending it back out seemed to be more of a challenge. With one more groan of frustration he managed to open his hand. Meredith let out a sigh of relief. He was improving, retraining his brain to do what he willed. Between his medically induced coma and lack of oxygen from his last surgery, he'd lost some muscle strength and Jenny, the physical therapist, was there to rebuild it as well as keep his legs, moving.

"Great job, Derek," smiled Jenny, the physical therapist. "As soon as your arms get a little stronger, I think we can send you home."

"Thank you so much, Jenny," said Meredith gratefully.

"Of course. Just keep working on all the exercises I showed you and I'll check up again tomorrow," she smiled, patted Derek's arm, and walked out of the room.

Derek's face fell into a mixture of anger and sadness and he cast his eyes towards the ground.

"Derek, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Derek," she said, her tone sounding like a mother warning her child.

"I'm just sick of this crap," he grumbled. "I'm sick of being and invalid in a hospital bed. I can barely open and close my fist!" His face glowed red in anger and he stared down at his lifeless hand, which sat limply on the white sheets.

"I know but, you've been doing so well. Just a little longer and you'll be out of here, back to living life."

"I'm paralyzed," he snapped. "I will never be able to just live a life, _Meredith_."

"Yes you will, Derek. Just because you're in a wheelchair, doesn't mean your life is over!"

"It does though. I can't operate. I spent years trying to get where I am in my career now and for what?" He threw his head back at the pillow, self-pity boiling in his veins.

"You can still do research, you're a brilliant man, Derek Shepherd." He just sighed, mumbled something about being tired and closed his eyes. Meredith sighed, leaning back in her chair. Carolyn was right. She needed to tell him. Even if he didn't reciprocate, hearing the three words might prove that someone could still love him. Though she could end up with her heart ripped to shreds, lying on the floor, she could do it for him.

XXX

"So how do you feel?" questioned Dr. Wyatt as they sat in her neutral colored office. Her clothing matched the office, a pale beige shirt with darker beige pants. Derek's chair was parked where a normal chair would normally be stationed; he stared blankly at the aquarium across the room. Colors swam around in circles, reflecting on the water around it. Meredith had helped him into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt so he didn't have to go through the embarrassment of being wheeled through his workplace in a hospital gown. The light squeak of the wheelchair, calling attention to him brought enough embarrassment.

"How do I feel?" he asked bitterly. "My fiancé walked away from me because she didn't love me enough to stand by me. My career is over because even if my nerves are fine in my upper body, who wants a surgeon in a wheelchair? My mother and sister have to take time out of their lives to help me and my best friend is making herself sick, sitting by me day and night." He took deep breaths, trying to contain his anger.

"Okay, well, let's talk about these issues separately," she suggested calmly. "What do you want to start with?" Derek didn't answer; his eyes returned to the aquarium. "Let's start with your career. It's not over."

"Of course it is," he snapped.

"You may not be able to be a surgeon anymore but, being a doctor is much more than that, Derek," she said. "From what I've heard, Dr. Shepherd you're a genius. You can still teach or research, you can save a multitude of lives from behind a desk. _Saving lives_ should be the main point of being a doctor."

"It's not the same. Surgery is," he stopped himself, "was my life."

"I know it isn't the same. But, you won't start feeling better unless you accept the reality of the situation and figure out ways to live happily with it."

"I know if I can do that," Derek admitted miserably. Surgery was his life, the OR, his sanctuary. It calmed him to stand, performing a procedure he was sure he could do. Now, he wasn't sure of anything; he needed the clarity of surgery.

"That's the best place to start," said Dr. Wyatt. "In these sessions, I'll help you figure out ways to accomplish that." He nodded in understanding. "Now, what about your fiancé? What, besides the obvious, is upsetting you about her and that situation? I just want to get a full assessment of where you are emotionally."

Derek stayed silent, staring down at his folded hands. "I don't want to be alone," he whispered miserably.

Dr. Wyatt stretched into a different position in her chair, folding her hands on top of her notebook. "Derek, you don't sound alone. You've got your mother, and your sister, and from what I've heard, this best friend of yours seems pretty amazing."

"She is but I don't want to spend my life alone She's beautiful, smart, and wonderful," said Derek, a flutter erupting in his heart. It scared and confused him but he pushed it aside. "She'll get married and I'll be alone. My mother will go home, my sister will get married and have kids. Who would want to be in a relationship with me now? I'm work, not a boyfriend or husband."

The doctor scribbled down some notes in her notebook, the scribbling of the pen on paper, scratching the silence of the room.

"As we get to know each other, I'm sure I'll find more redeemable qualities about you that would make you appealing to any girl," she assured him, hoping to build his confidence. "You don't want a girl who won't approach you just because you're in a wheelchair. You will find someone who loves you for you and I'll help you get to the point where you can see that too."

Derek clammed up; returning his eyes to the aquarium for the third time.

_So hard to let it go,  
When it's there, under my skin._

Is there anybody there?


	14. It's Time

**A/N: I'm not exactly happy with this update but... here it is.**

XXX

As the door to Dr. Wyatt's office creaked open, Meredith shot out of her seat, staring at the opening door. The blonde psychiatrist pushed Derek's wheelchair out of the office, into the waiting area, muttering something to him as he nodded. Immediately Meredith grinned at Derek but only got a slight half grimace half smile in return.

"You're done early," Meredith commented pleasantly.

"Actually, Meredith, I was just hoping I could have a word with you before we finish for the day," said Dr. Wyatt, leaning on the door.

She nodded. "Sure." Dr. Wyatt walked back into her office, waiting for Meredith expectantly. "Be back in a few," she said to Derek before following the doctor. He didn't acknowledge her with anything more than a half nod.

Dr. Wyatt smiled softly as she welcomed Meredith into the office and closed the door. "Thank you for agreeing to talk to me."

"Of course, anything for Derek," Meredith nodded, standing awkwardly by the couch. The doctor motioned for Meredith to sit down as she fell into her leather chair, leaning on her left elbow. Uncomfortably she perched on the edge of the couch. Psychiatrists had never been her favorite profession of people: too intrusive. _For Derek, I can deal._

"He's been talking a lot about you…when he talks," she noted. "You seem to be a great friend to him."

Meredith smiled. "He's been in my life for years and I love him."

Dr. Wyatt seemed to study her closely as if she was trying to read Meredith like a book. "You're one of the last people who has stayed with him."

"And I don't plan to change that," insisted Meredith definitively.

"That's good. Your relationship," she began, "is…"

"Strictly platonic," she said quickly, too quickly for the doctor not to notice.

"That's all?" asked Dr. Wyatt.

"When someone as amazing as Derek is in your life so much," she sighed, shaking her head, "it's hard not to…"

"Fall in love?" the older woman supplied. Meredith nodded. "Have you ever considered telling him?"

"Of course. Every day since I realized it."

Dr. Wyatt cocked her head to the side looking at Meredith curiously. "Why haven't you?"

Meredith wrung her hands, staring down at them rather than look at the doctor. "He's my best friend. If he rejected me, I couldn't- I don't want to loose him."

"But, if he didn't love you back, would you stop being his friend and being there for him?"

"Of course not," she said, affronted. "We would have to just put it behind us."

"Then, why haven't you done it?" the doctor questioned. "From what I hear, your friendship is strong enough to withstand it and, if you're taking on Derek's care nearly by yourself, as a person, you must be incredibly strong."

_She's the second person to say that._ "I planned to tell him," Meredith admitted. "His mother talked me into it. Do you think it's a bad idea?"

"Not at all. I think clearing the air and putting it out on the table would be good for both of you. You'll be spending a lot of time with him." Dr. Wyatt shifted in her seat, still looking Meredith directly in the eyes. "There shouldn't be anything hiding between you that could cause trouble. You may not realize that there could be some long-standing tension between you two. He needs you to be completely on with him all the time, if you're willing to be his primary care taker."

"I am," she put in quickly.

"So, you should tell him. But only if you're ready."

Meredith nodded. An awkward pause fell over the room. Shifting awkwardly Meredith said, "I should get back to him now. He was discharged this morning so his mother is probably waiting in the car."

"Of course," stated Dr. Wyatt. "Tell Derek I'll see him on Monday."

Meredith nodded and walked out of the office, her mind heavy. When she found Derek he was in his chair, idly twiddling his fingers. "Let's go," she said with a somewhat forced smile.

XXX

Meredith pushed Derek's chair into her house, leaving the door unlocked behind her for Carolyn, who had gone to the supermarket. Derek had been quiet the whole car ride back and Meredith hadn't pushed. He was in a dark place and she understood.

"I'll pull out the couch for now," she offered.

"Mer-" he interrupted.

She ignored him. "I'll get one of those lift things for the stairs put in as soon as possible."

"Mer-"

"But for now you'll have to sleep down here. The pull out is pretty comfortable."

"Mer-"

"Tomorrow the occupational therapist will be over to help with some normal stuff," she continued, almost ranting. "But tonight we'll just muddle through."

"Meredith Grey!" he exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Yes?" she prompted.

Derek's eyes shifted from his best friend to the floor. "I can't do this to you," he said softly.

Meredith looked at him curiously. "Do what?"

"Flip your life upside down. You can't put a lift thing on your stairs."

Meredith pushed Derek next to the couch and took a seat, facing him. Her hand rested on his thigh. "Why not? It's a little bulky but it'll be fine and, financially, it won't put me out. It's going on your credit card with your lovely neurosurgeon's salary on it," she teased.

"Well don't spend all of it. It's not like I'll be operating again," he replied grumpily, crossing his arms over his chest.

"No, but you'll be teaching."

"Oh, I will be?" he asked sneeringly.

"Yes."

"And you've decided this?"

"Yes, Derek. You're not putting your mind to waste," insisted Meredith. "Everything will be a new normal in a few months. You'll get used to the chair, you'll be teaching at University of Washington, I'll be back at work, and we'll all be fine."

"Where's pessimistic Meredith?" he asked, almost teasing her like the 'good old days.'

"She's been replaced by positive attitude Meredith," she answered simply.

Derek cracked a small smile. "I miss pessimistic Meredith."

"Get over it. She's gone now."

_It's time to begin, isn't it?  
__I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit  
__I'm just the same as I was  
__Now don't you understand  
__That I'm never changing who I am_

XXX

**A/N: So what do you think?**


	15. I'll Cover You

**A/N: I legitimetly have no excuse to why it's been over a year. Writer's block? College applications and starting college? I don't know. All of it. But here I am. I hope you're all still out there!**

* * *

Meredith crept down the stairs, avoiding all the spots she knew would creek under her feet. She thought Derek could still be asleep, which would be amazing considering the restless nights he'd been suffering. It took all of her willpower not to climb in bed with him and just hold him until the sun came up.

On her way to the kitchen she peered into the living room to find Derek wide awake, sitting up with his back against the couch back, legs limply laying on the pull out, watching the sun rise over the gray Seattle morning. She propped herself against the doorframe, watching him for a moment.

"You're up," she said, voice turning up in surprise.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Wanna talk about it?" She stepped further into the room, not sitting on the bed, to let him keep his space.

"No."

"Will you anyway?"

He finally turned towards her.

The face she saw was not her best friend. This man's eyes were dull and lifeless, sunken in with dark bags under them where her best friend's sparkled. His hair was oily and stuck to his forehead, his clothes disheveled.

"We've talked, Meredith. I talked to the stupid shrink, I talk to you, I talk to Mom. Talking gets me nowhere. I still can't walk."

"I know, Derek. I know talking doesn't fix anything. And it's going to take some time. But you can have a full life."

"What kind of life? Kids? A wife? Erin already left. I don't know if I can have sex ever again. I'll never have a full life. What woman would ever want to deal with me?"

Meredith couldn't bring herself to answer. Derek had given her a perfect in but she had the sickening feeling that what she wanted to say wouldn't be received the way she wanted it to be. "I would!" she exclaimed, the sound bursting through her tightly closed lips. Immediately she regretted it, wanting to take it back but by Derek's expression she knew it was too late. "I love you. Okay? I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time. I don't care if you can use your legs you're still Derek."

She watched as his lips parted and he stared at her, open mouth, obviously unsure of what to say. "Mer I-"

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to stop thinking you're unloveable. I meant what I said but I really don't want it to change our friendship."

Derek's lips parted and she could see he wanted to interrupt so she cut him off. "I forgot...I need... something upstairs. I'll be back." Before he could say a word she was dashing up the stairs.

Meredith didn't waste a moment, running into her bedroom and collapsing on the soft comforter. She didn't even realize she was crying until she feels a wet spot on the pillow below her face. She quickly sat up and wiped her eyes, not letting herself dwell for too long. Instead she sucked in a breath, fluttered her eyes for a minute to get out the excess of moisture.

Taking a few deep breaths she stood and left the privacy of her room, descending the stairs. She walked towards the living room, stepping in with her eyes fixed on Derek's chest, avoiding eye contact.

"I'm going to heat up some of the food your mom left," she says as flatly as possible.

"Mer-"

"I know it's breakfast but we both know I shouldn't be cooking so I figured-"

"Meredith."

"There's some macaroni and cheese and…"

"Meredith will you please look at me?" The resounding boom of his irritated voice echoed in the room, forcing Meredith's eyes up.

"You can't just drop a bomb like that and run away where I can't follow you."

"Sorry."

"No you're not. But it's okay. I just…we need to talk this through."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"There's everything to talk about!" he exclaimed. She looked away again. "I always tried not to think about it because you're my best friend but…you're the person I want to wake up to in the morning."

Her heart beat faster in her chest, swallowing every other feeling. She took a few steps towards him.

"But I can't be even more of a burden on your life."

Before he could say another word she jumped on to the pull out couch and crawled close to him. "Shut up." With that, she placed her hands on his cheeks and pressed their lips together firmly. She could almost feel him thinking under her lips but within seconds his hands were on her waist, his lips eagerly kissing back.

"Mer-" he tried cutting in after a few minutes.

She pulled back, resting on her heels.

"Mer I…I can't do this to you. I can't ruin your life. Like this. And what if we didn't make it? Our friendship would be over."

"But what if we did make it?"

"If I can't have kids…"

"I don't know if I care. Or we could adopt. There are options."

"What if we can never have sex?"

"There are other ways."

"Meredith be serious."

"Derek I am being serious. I love you. I know exactly what I'm getting into-"

"I don't think you do."

"I do."

"You'd just be taking care of me for the rest of your life."

"I won't. You'll learn how to take care of yourself. And I would do it if I had to…but I'd take care of you for the rest of _your_ life. Women live longer. You're also an old man."

Derek snorted.

"I want to do this, Derek. If you want to be together, no matter what you can come up with, I'll deal with it.

Derek looked down at his hands for a moment, fiddling his fingers, obviously contemplating what he wanted. He looked back up at Meredith and pressed his lips into a tight smile. "I love you too."

Smiling she carefully moved forwards, hugging him around the shoulders, careful to avoid his legs and back. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his nose into her neck.

"I still can't believe this optimistic Meredith," he mumbled.

She smiled. "Shut up. I'm growing or something." When she pulled back, the smiling face she was met with almost seemed like she was getting a glimpse of her old Derek.

_Live in my house, I'll be your shelter  
__Just pay me back  
__With one thousand kisses  
__Be my lover, I'll cover you_


End file.
